Known vs. Unknown Self
Who am I?
For someone who is a self-proclaimed seeker, I thought I had gotten to know my internal landscape pretty well.
Individual therapy, marriage therapy, hypnotherapy, regression therapy, mdma therapy, countless hours of podcasts and books…
Through all of these journeys of turning inward, exploring childhood, outdated values, I’ve learned so much about myself:
My need to feel safe
My yearning to belong
My orientation toward others
… just to name a few ;)
Yet, it was the Enneagram which surfaced one of the most radical parts of myself unknown to me (and likely others).
My vice of PRIDE and the need for more HUMILITY in my life.
As an Enneagram 2 (a.k.a. Considerate Helper), I was confronted with the truth that my core motivation in life was to help others - which sounds like a positive trait… until one realizes the motivation behind the motivation.
I live to help others...
because I have a strong need to feel appreciated and valued…
because only when I’m appreciated and valued, do I feel worthy of love.
Whereas other main Enneagram types may most value Peace, Joy, Goodness, Wisdom, Loyalty, the most important value in my life as a main Enneagram 2 is that of LOVE.
And my core fear? Being Unloved.
The tragedy for most of my life was thinking that how I scored on the “lovability index” was conditional and based on how much I helped others. How much $$ I made to support my family. How much I sacrificed my needs for the comfort of others.
My Doing, not my Being. My Verb, not my Noun. I thought this was the only way to be loved. Now, I know better (but that’s for another post).
So how is this related to Pride and Humility?
PRIDE:
I need to help everyone.
I have endless capacity to help everyone.
I myself don’t need help.
HUMILITY:
Not everyone needs nor wants my help.
My Capacity does not equal My Responsibility.
I need help too. Healthy reciprocity involves giving and receiving well.
As an unhealthy 2, I was always in search of people who I assumed needed my help. Even when they didn’t want my help - or the type of help I thought they needed.
I forced my mother to see so many doctors for her FND condition against her will (disregarding her own voice and dignity).
I often would go out of my way to do things for my husband/sister/friends… then be hurt or resentful that they weren't appreciative of my “help” (which they never asked for!)
I often felt like a victim - feeling rejected, unappreciated, even angry and resentful.
As a healthier 2, HUMILITY grounds me again and again.
I ASK people if they want my help.
If they say no, I accept it as truth and not a reflection nor rejection of me.
If they say yes, I confirm whether the help I had in mind hits the mark. The feedback I receive on the tweaks I can make is such a win win.
The final step is to enjoy the act of my service without being attached to the outcome (How will it be received? Will I be appreciated? Will they be happy? etc.)
My reorientation toward the virtue of Humility has been one of the most nuanced yet expansive lessons in this current chapter of my life and career.
And the more I get to know myself within the framework of the Enneagram, the more I realize that my world views and core motivations are so different from my husband, mother, father, friends and past co-workers.
It finally makes sense why they go about the world in such a different (f.k.a. "crazy") manner than I would!
They're not most driven by a fear of being UNLOVED. They are most driven by a fear of being vulnerable, controlled, not good enough, limited...
Considering these broader perspectives create more space for compassion and curiosity… which inherently reduces judgement, expectations, and hurt in my relationships. The Enneagram has transformed the way I understand myself and others and the impacts have been so vast and reverberating.
So what are your blind spots that only others can see?
What are the parts of your unconscious self that are still unknown to you?
As a healthier 2, I don’t like to pressure my coaching services to others, but this 20-minute Integrative 9 Enneagram questionnaire is a low-cost and low-commitment approach to expanding the map of self-awareness. It’s perfect for individuals, couples and teams seeking accelerated growth.
Please reach out if you’re interested in taking the Integrative 9 Enneagram assessment with me. And cheers to uncovering and embracing ALL parts of ourselves.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates.
G.
